Sunday, September 7, 2008

Convention Recap

With both conventions over, I thought it would be a good moment to reflect on some of the memories of the past two weeks.

Obama bursts into a rage when he is told that his 60 foot tall statue will not be ready in time to be part of the backdrop for his acceptance speech.

The Palin/Whats-his-name ticket rides a wave of support from newly energized Republicans.

Joe Lieberman vows to speak at the Libertarian convention in 2012 and possibly the Green Party convention the following cycle if he is still in politics.

Confirming many physicist's belief in the idea of matter/antimatter, Fox News and MSNBC are instantly annihilated after bumping into one another.

Joe Biden tells the compelling story of his family's tragic auto accident, his son's tour in Iraq, riding the train everyday to work, losing a leg in Korea, and curing polio.

Confirming what Democrats have long claimed, McCain rips off his mask to reveal he has actually been Bush all along.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

There is always an excuse. There is always a reason to say, "I will do this when..." That is essentially the same as saying, "I will never do it."

People can always find time for the things that are important. Unless you are working 14 hour days, there is time. The amount of hours we spend watching TV or browsing the internet is shocking.

I procrastinate. We all do. I'm just tired of people talking about things they are planning to do. If you are not actively working towards your goal, keep your excuses to your own ego.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Ad Nauseam

The allure of advertising is astonishing. People devote their entire lives into tricking us to love their products. I am helpless against this kind of awesome power. Why try to fight it. In the end I will still end up as a mindless, salivating fool dialing frantically before the deal ends.

For now, I am safe. My limited budget prevents me from purchasing anything but the essential items. I have found my self awestruck from time to time by new products on television before realizing they have no value in my life.

"Wow, that mini pancake maker is so amazing. I won't ever have to spend time stressing over my mini pancakes. Wait, I've never even wanted to make mini pancakes before."

I don't know if I had money to throw around whether I would spend it on frivolous items. All I am saying is I can sympathize with those who do, even if I disagree with the choice. You can't fight the power of thousands of mind control specialists and a quick and efficient onion cutter.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Destroyed by the Bell

Much of life is spent dealing with stress. When happiness is so closely related to stress, we can't help but strive to reduce it. It seems, however, that people today are conditioned to move themselves towards these stressful situations.

I find the easiest way to manage the problem is to write out everything I need to do. When it's swirling around my head it tends to engulf me in a vortex of hopeless tasks. When I see it in a neat organized layout I can't help but laugh.

Brush my teeth? Take out the trash? These were adding to my stress?

Usually only one task on the list is actually important. The rest just add padding to make it looked bulkier.

The old days are always thought of as a simpler time. I don't know if that's true. I can imagine that the stress of feeding your family or letting them starve was fairly overwhelming.

Life is like a bell curve. It's difficult to get downtime because hard working people out there are getting A's and screwing up the curve. We are pushed towards worrisome all-nighters just to squeak by with a C.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

How to Get Involved in Politics

It's that time of the year, and its more heated than ever. Don't get left behind to wonder where you were during this historic moment. Here are some tips on getting started in the political world.

Pick a Side - You have to decide if you want to be a bleed-you-dry liberal, or a warmongering conservative. That or a nut job independent, but in that case you might as well not get involved.

Get a Bumper Sticker - Make sure it is the only one on your car. Your message of unwavering support should not be tarnished by the "I'm Going Nuckin Futs" sticker beside it.

Attract Supporters - Convince people they are wrong and dumb and you are more correct about the world. If this works, then they really are most likely dumb.

Keep Up on Current Events - This way you can say things like, "Did you hear about what was going on in Kyshashstan. Only has a definitive plan to deal with the ongoing situation."

Donate - Every dollar makes a difference towards the goal of most money ever wasted on advertising.

Argue, Argue, Argue - When your rival gets out of hand, cut off their mic. If you don't have your own talk show, simply drown out the other party with insults and loudness. It works just as well.

Vote - P. Diddy demands it.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Hawaii No-Go

Humans are conditioned to their environments for good or bad. If someone hates their job at Astonishing Solutions Inc, they quit and get a job across the street at Incredible Software Corp. Few decisions in life toss us out of our comfort zone. Why are risks and changes such a dreaded part of life?

I could pack up today, take out my savings, and fly to Hawaii, where I spend the rest of my days bartending and surfing. Sure there is a risk, but if it all fails, I could fly back home and pick up where I left off. I could go live a simple, low-stress life, but there are too many things holding me back. I just learned the layout of the new Sam's Club.

Life does not have to be as complicated as we make it. We hold ourselves down with meaningless restraints.

So will I move to Hawaii? No, I have family and friends that I would not want to leave, and they are too cowardly to take the journey with me. Without them though, I would definitely start a new life in a far away land...or maybe just a few towns over. All my clothes are for this climate. I wouldn't want to have to get an entirely new wardrobe.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Better With Age

First job, graduation, kids, laughing at Jay Leno. There are certain moments that define our aging. There are a few less talked about moments when I realized I was getting older.

When I found myself staring at advanced alien rocket equations on the white board. It was the moment when all those lectures from the movies were put into perspective. The weird symbols made sense and half the time Ben Stein was literally teaching the class.

When I stopped being ordered around and starting having conversations. Instead of "go move that box to the front", it was "do you think you should move that box to the front?" That way, weaseling out of situations required less excuses and more big words. "I think that it would be harder to calibrate in that situation. We better just leave it where it is."

When food began costing money. "Wait one second. You're telling me I have to pay for this bologna sandwich? I thought those things were always just hanging out in the refrigerator."

The amazing qualities of youth are often overemphasized. With the vitality, you also carry awkwardness, insecurity, and ignorance. Every age has it's benefit. I've often wished I could be back at a certain time or place, but I've never wished to be my old self.