Convention Recap

With both conventions over, I thought it would be a good moment to reflect on some of the memories of the past two weeks.

Obama bursts into a rage when he is told that his 60 foot tall statue will not be ready in time to be part of the backdrop for his acceptance speech.

The Palin/Whats-his-name ticket rides a wave of support from newly energized Republicans.

Joe Lieberman vows to speak at the Libertarian convention in 2012 and possibly the Green Party convention the following cycle if he is still in politics.

Confirming many physicist's belief in the idea of matter/antimatter, Fox News and MSNBC are instantly annihilated after bumping into one another.

Joe Biden tells the compelling story of his family's tragic auto accident, his son's tour in Iraq, riding the train everyday to work, losing a leg in Korea, and curing polio.

Confirming what Democrats have long claimed, McCain rips off his mask to reveal he has actually been Bush all along.

Excuses, Excuses

There is always an excuse. There is always a reason to say, "I will do this when..." That is essentially the same as saying, "I will never do it."

People can always find time for the things that are important. Unless you are working 14 hour days, there is time. The amount of hours we spend watching TV or browsing the internet is shocking.

I procrastinate. We all do. I'm just tired of people talking about things they are planning to do. If you are not actively working towards your goal, keep your excuses to your own ego.

Ad Nauseam

The allure of advertising is astonishing. People devote their entire lives into tricking us to love their products. I am helpless against this kind of awesome power. Why try to fight it. In the end I will still end up as a mindless, salivating fool dialing frantically before the deal ends.

For now, I am safe. My limited budget prevents me from purchasing anything but the essential items. I have found my self awestruck from time to time by new products on television before realizing they have no value in my life.

"Wow, that mini pancake maker is so amazing. I won't ever have to spend time stressing over my mini pancakes. Wait, I've never even wanted to make mini pancakes before."

I don't know if I had money to throw around whether I would spend it on frivolous items. All I am saying is I can sympathize with those who do, even if I disagree with the choice. You can't fight the power of thousands of mind control specialists and a quick and efficient onion cutter.

Destroyed by the Bell

Much of life is spent dealing with stress. When happiness is so closely related to stress, we can't help but strive to reduce it. It seems, however, that people today are conditioned to move themselves towards these stressful situations.

I find the easiest way to manage the problem is to write out everything I need to do. When it's swirling around my head it tends to engulf me in a vortex of hopeless tasks. When I see it in a neat organized layout I can't help but laugh.

Brush my teeth? Take out the trash? These were adding to my stress?

Usually only one task on the list is actually important. The rest just add padding to make it looked bulkier.

The old days are always thought of as a simpler time. I don't know if that's true. I can imagine that the stress of feeding your family or letting them starve was fairly overwhelming.

Life is like a bell curve. It's difficult to get downtime because hard working people out there are getting A's and screwing up the curve. We are pushed towards worrisome all-nighters just to squeak by with a C.

How to Get Involved in Politics

It's that time of the year, and its more heated than ever. Don't get left behind to wonder where you were during this historic moment. Here are some tips on getting started in the political world.

Pick a Side - You have to decide if you want to be a bleed-you-dry liberal, or a warmongering conservative. That or a nut job independent, but in that case you might as well not get involved.

Get a Bumper Sticker - Make sure it is the only one on your car. Your message of unwavering support should not be tarnished by the "I'm Going Nuckin Futs" sticker beside it.

Attract Supporters - Convince people they are wrong and dumb and you are more correct about the world. If this works, then they really are most likely dumb.

Keep Up on Current Events - This way you can say things like, "Did you hear about what was going on in Kyshashstan. Only has a definitive plan to deal with the ongoing situation."

Donate - Every dollar makes a difference towards the goal of most money ever wasted on advertising.

Argue, Argue, Argue - When your rival gets out of hand, cut off their mic. If you don't have your own talk show, simply drown out the other party with insults and loudness. It works just as well.

Vote - P. Diddy demands it.

Hawaii No-Go

Humans are conditioned to their environments for good or bad. If someone hates their job at Astonishing Solutions Inc, they quit and get a job across the street at Incredible Software Corp. Few decisions in life toss us out of our comfort zone. Why are risks and changes such a dreaded part of life?

I could pack up today, take out my savings, and fly to Hawaii, where I spend the rest of my days bartending and surfing. Sure there is a risk, but if it all fails, I could fly back home and pick up where I left off. I could go live a simple, low-stress life, but there are too many things holding me back. I just learned the layout of the new Sam's Club.

Life does not have to be as complicated as we make it. We hold ourselves down with meaningless restraints.

So will I move to Hawaii? No, I have family and friends that I would not want to leave, and they are too cowardly to take the journey with me. Without them though, I would definitely start a new life in a far away land...or maybe just a few towns over. All my clothes are for this climate. I wouldn't want to have to get an entirely new wardrobe.

Better With Age

First job, graduation, kids, laughing at Jay Leno. There are certain moments that define our aging. There are a few less talked about moments when I realized I was getting older.

When I found myself staring at advanced alien rocket equations on the white board. It was the moment when all those lectures from the movies were put into perspective. The weird symbols made sense and half the time Ben Stein was literally teaching the class.

When I stopped being ordered around and starting having conversations. Instead of "go move that box to the front", it was "do you think you should move that box to the front?" That way, weaseling out of situations required less excuses and more big words. "I think that it would be harder to calibrate in that situation. We better just leave it where it is."

When food began costing money. "Wait one second. You're telling me I have to pay for this bologna sandwich? I thought those things were always just hanging out in the refrigerator."

The amazing qualities of youth are often overemphasized. With the vitality, you also carry awkwardness, insecurity, and ignorance. Every age has it's benefit. I've often wished I could be back at a certain time or place, but I've never wished to be my old self.

Calorie Crazy

It is so hard to stay healthy in America. The system is unintentionally designed to keep us fat. Many factors contribute to this.

The first problem is that health is not easy. Small neighborhood markets no longer exist. You have to push your way through a giant store to get to produce that will go bad in three days. If you just buy frozen food instead, you won't have to repeat the nightmare again for another month.

Another issue is price. My healthy side says to get a salad when I'm out. My good shopper side says that if I use the dollar menu, I can get a bag of burgers for cheaper.

The final issue is obviously the deliciousness of fatty foods. I can't help it. A bucket of grease on a wad of meat is the best thing in the world.

I don't even want to get into working out. Talk about a hassle.

Political Yahtzee

Politics these days really is amazing. It is no longer about a decent person coming forward to lead the country. It is more like a game of chess between two ad agencies where each move is crucial.

In the old days it was possible to make mistakes. A candidate could get up on stage and accidentally threaten the pope, and it may not even be reported on. Now everything is being taped. A presidential candidate cannot play Yahtzee with his family without it ending up on youTube.

Instead of it being about a single person, it is about the dozens of people sitting in a room figuring out a strategy to take down their opponent through subtle hints and downright attacks.

Everyone knew in advance what McCain's move would be yesterday. It still worked like a charm. It was like Obama's speech never existed. Now the ball is in Obama's court. Let's see if all this basketball he's been practicing will pay off.

Funny Bone

Humor is an integral part of human life. We all strive to laugh and enjoy ourselves, but there is a lot involved.

The great thing about humor is the risk that is required. When you make a statement like "South Africa is really going through hard times", there is no risk. When you add "that's because you can't get much harder than diamonds", you put yourself out there to face ridicule, and even worse, silence. Make jokes like that too many times and you will end up without friends.

Everyone's sense of humor is different. By telling a joke, you may end up insulting someone. I've never understood how insulted some people can get by comedy. They are trying to make you laugh, not attacking your kids with a bat. No need to burst into flames.

Comedians are some of the bravest people on Earth. If you boo a bad band, you are a jerk. If you boo a bad comedian, you are just part of the crowd.

Refusing to be funny, on the other hand, labels you as boring. Damn us complex humans. It's all just a giant balance act.

To Each Their Own

One of the things that makes the world interesting is how different people are from one another. For all of our similarities, there is a distinctive uniqueness in each of our personalities.

The proof comes in the form of television documentaries. We all know there are medical experts and political experts, but when it comes to more obscure topics, you can still find that expert you need. The Discovery Channel is doing a documentary on frogs and they need a frog saliva expert for one of their segments? No problem. Somebody out there has devoted their life to this topic.

An expert on staplers? Pez dispensers? Cuisine in 1568? Aquaman? I'm sure these people exist, and would be willing to speak to a camera about what they know.

If anyone needs an expert on MS Paint, I'm your guy to come to. I may not be particularly proud of the ability I picked up years ago, but if The Science Channel came to me, I would be willing to explain all about the airbrush.

Hilldog

Like the rest of the media, I was unsure about how Clinton's speech would go over. Would she unite the party? Would see speak positively of Obama? To my horror the answer to these was "yes". I had no way of knowing a politician like Hillary would do this. Honestly, I made a huge mistake. I wrote my blog last night before the speech started, and have learned to never make assumptions again. I have no time today to make revisions, so I apologize for the inaccuracies in my "recollection" of events.

The second I saw Senator Clinton walk onto the stage I knew the night would be a disaster. Her "Clinton-Clinton '08" shirt was completely inappropriate. Calling Obama's change equivalent to the change brought on by an outbreak of Ebola was just downright mean.

The real shocker was when McCain took the stage and high-fived Hillary. That just has no place at a Democratic convention.

Just when I thought the worst was over, violence erupted on the floor. Hillary yelled to her supporters to attack anyone wearing an Obama shirt. Delegates clashed with each other, thrusting their signs and ripping off pins. The one positive moment was Clinton's quote, "You'll need universal health care when I'm done with you". I thought it was brilliant tie-in.

Why this year, with so much on the line, did the Democrats not come together? Why wasn't Hillary's speech unifying? Why Hillary, why?

Once again, I apologize for my mistake. Clinton made huge strides to unify the Democrats. I am just as shocked as all the commentators were. I'm still waiting for Bill's speech though. We all know he's a loose canon and could say anything about Barack.

List O' Shame

Awkwardness is a part of life, and I have had my share of uncomfortable situations. I would like to painfully reflect on some of the levels of awkwardness.

-A failed high five. The weird miss/half slap that makes both parties feel lame.

-An elevator ride with someone from work you barely know. Trapped in a box of tension.

-The "not sure what your level of comfort is" embrace. Not as bad when you embrace the same way, but very uncomfortable when one goes in for a handshake while the other tries for a hug.

-The "I used to know you but never very well" ignore. When you recognize someone but don't want to talk to them. It takes a lot of concentration to pretend like you never noticed them, but you both know.

-The "I used to know you but never very well" embrace. It goes very well for the first minute, but quickly turns horrific when you realize there is no easy way to leave the conversation. "Well, I'll see you again someday maybe..."

-Accidentally responding to something not directed at you. "Oh you were waving to the person behind me. Excuse me while I crawl into a ball in the corner."

I would like to say that all failures make us stronger, but thinking back to every embarrassing situation is like a kick in the stomach. Much better to just block them out of my memory. Excuse me while I go make a fool out of myself.

School of Rock

Our schools are failing and it will have dire consequences for our future. A country with a good education system can overcome economic hardships because the workforce has useful skills that will be needed again in time. A country with poor education could end up getting lost in the world. What is the problem?

Unlike almost every other job in America, teachers pay is based on the amount of time employed, not on skill or effort. That means that the old grungy woman complaining about her husband is earning more money than the young exuberant professional trying to make a difference for her students. That's not to say experience does not play a part. I had some wonderful teachers who were older and knew exactly what they were doing. The issue is that some did not care anymore. One teacher I had would read the class a long article in the newspaper every morning in a tone that would put a cokehead to sleep. I would wake up drowned in a puddle of drool.

Another problem is the system is easily manipulated. The most handy thing I ever learned was how to pass a class without ever reading or paying attention. It helped me to get by later on and never actually learn useful skills, but pretend like I did. This is a tricky situation. Kids are a lot smarter than you think. It may look like they are daydreaming, but really they are thinking of ways to overthrow the system.

Money is not the problem. There are situations where materials are old and falling apart that it would be nice to get a few more books, but if kids in other countries can learn calculus with a rock and a piece of bark, then a few ripped pages is not the issue. The problem is the culture. It is cool to be stupid and nice looking books cannot do anything about that.

This is a difficult problem to solve, but it is essential for the future. The education system is like a failing business, and the only way to turn it around is to get in new ideas and completely reinvent everything.

Confessions of a Tenuous Blogger

Writing a blog is an interesting experience. I didn't put much thought into it before I started. I figured I enjoyed writing and it would come more naturally as I progressed.

I never realized how short my list of interesting thoughts was.

I do not want to talk about my life. It's hard enough to listen to people I know complain about their problems. When I stumble across someone online I've never met complaining about their life, my fingers abort before my brain can even process what just happened.

I do not want to spend all my time commenting on things I've read online. Fark has links to much more interesting articles than I could ever find.

So I'm left with issues such as society, politics, entertainment, and everyday things I hope people relate to. It hasn't been too difficult to maintain so far, but I can feel repeats and contradictions coming on. Hopefully it helps me organize all these things swirling around in my head.

Now on to topics more people can relate to.

An Ensemble of Issues

I think of a lot of things that are amusing as a short mention, but have little appeal in long narratives. Combined, however, they are a strong team.

-I don't know if the mythical "correctly aligned shopping cart" exists, but I have never run across it. As I walk through the grocery store, I spend more energy keeping my cart from veering left into the canned foods than I do picking out what I need. In my opinion, One-Legged Larry the shopping cart tester needs to find a new occupation.

-Searching for a cheaper gas station is one of the most asinine topics commonly discussed in public. The prices vary so little that when you haul your SUV an extra mile to save 3 cents you have spent more money in the process. Opportunity cost! It's taught in every high school in America, yet no one was awake.

-If a news site promotes an article with an image, the link should take you to an article with that image. When I see a tiny picture of two girls barely holding onto a rope in the middle of a hurricane, I want a larger image, not a picture of blowing trees. That's misleading the public.

-The chips per bag in vending machines has drastically decreased over the years. Now I'm spending money on a bag pumped with air and 4 and a half chips throw inside.

I thought of many more topics, but I forget to write them down, so they are gone forever, or at least until it happens to me again.

The American Slug

We live in a society that promotes the idea that no one can be bound to a certain life by their birth. Everyone has the opportunity to rise up and be great. It would be wonderful if hard work was the determining factor in success, but genetics always weasel their way into the picture.

The kid in the back of the class chewing on his notebook will probably never be an astronaut, despite his undaunted determination. Astronauts are required to know advanced math and to avoid chewing on the expensive equipment.

I played basketball for most of my life and had big dreams, but when I realized I had stopped growing and was a slow runner, I could see the writing on the wall. No matter how long I practiced my shot I would never make it in the basketball world. Look up J.J. Redick for my best case scenario.

Usain Bolt, the fastest runner in the world, was just destined for greatness. For the first few races I thought his nickname was just "The Jamaican Bolt". No, his actual name is Bolt. How could anyone ever compete against that.

How to Survive the Tough Economy

It was recently reported by one of the top economists in the country that the worst is yet to come in the mortgage crisis, and that a major US bank will fail in the coming months. I want to offer some advice to anyone out there worried about your money.

A small initial investment of an electric fence will yield big results when debt collectors come around.

Cancel your expensive HD sports package...I'm just kidding, try making your kids pay rent.

Sell your Beanie Babies for scraps.

Vote for the candidate who has real answers for our economy...Jim Cramer.

Take your money out of stocks and bonds and invest in lottery tickets.

Learn a useful skill, like sucking up to the Chinese.

Habits of Highly Abnormal People

How similar are my bathroom habits to the rest of the human race? It's a solo experience. I've never read a book on it. How would I know if the proper etiquette was to fold toilet paper into a little swan before usage?

I was blissfully unaware that I was holding my kitchen utensils wrong until an embarrassingly older age. I had been using the shovel grip, as I found it to be the most efficient way for scooping huge portions of food into my mouth. Maybe I'm less perceptive than most, but I never noticed I was eating differently.

I also never realized that I drink bottles with the side of my mouth. No one informed me for years that it looked like I either had a mouth injury, or was European.

The thing that usually gives me comfort is the feeling that given a certain situation, almost everyone will respond the same way. Call it instinct, or the shared human experience, but I figure my thoughts and actions are the same as others all around the world. That's why I'm sure that like me, most people tie their pants around their heads in the bathroom to avoid any mess.

Absurdism

Deciding something is "pointless" is all a matter of perception. I saw two things yesterday that were absurd to me at the time. One was a town that created the largest Dairy Queen Blizzard of all time. The other was a man who has devoted his life to creating art out of old gum.

Why do I think these people are so ridiculous? I'm laying on my bed watching TV in my underwear and these people are outside mixing 40 tons of ice cream. At least they are getting exercise. We tend to think of stamp collectors and Trekkies as losers. If they had just devoted their time to bouncing a ball on their foot instead of learning Vulcan they would be admired by people everywhere.

If you throw a basketball into a hoop for hours on end you are hard-working and dedicated. If you replace that basketball with a whiffle ball, you are considered special. The standards are pretty tight.

The Olympics have really highlighted the differences in what cultures see as important. Who would have thought that being really good in badminton or table tennis would get you anywhere in life? Maybe the Chinese felt the same way about swimming.

If making a giant Blizzard is what make someone happy, why should they feel weird about it? I say keep it up. If you want to flood downtown Denver with ice cream, just make sure you mixed in some Butterfinger chunks.