Destroyed by the Bell

Much of life is spent dealing with stress. When happiness is so closely related to stress, we can't help but strive to reduce it. It seems, however, that people today are conditioned to move themselves towards these stressful situations.

I find the easiest way to manage the problem is to write out everything I need to do. When it's swirling around my head it tends to engulf me in a vortex of hopeless tasks. When I see it in a neat organized layout I can't help but laugh.

Brush my teeth? Take out the trash? These were adding to my stress?

Usually only one task on the list is actually important. The rest just add padding to make it looked bulkier.

The old days are always thought of as a simpler time. I don't know if that's true. I can imagine that the stress of feeding your family or letting them starve was fairly overwhelming.

Life is like a bell curve. It's difficult to get downtime because hard working people out there are getting A's and screwing up the curve. We are pushed towards worrisome all-nighters just to squeak by with a C.

How to Get Involved in Politics

It's that time of the year, and its more heated than ever. Don't get left behind to wonder where you were during this historic moment. Here are some tips on getting started in the political world.

Pick a Side - You have to decide if you want to be a bleed-you-dry liberal, or a warmongering conservative. That or a nut job independent, but in that case you might as well not get involved.

Get a Bumper Sticker - Make sure it is the only one on your car. Your message of unwavering support should not be tarnished by the "I'm Going Nuckin Futs" sticker beside it.

Attract Supporters - Convince people they are wrong and dumb and you are more correct about the world. If this works, then they really are most likely dumb.

Keep Up on Current Events - This way you can say things like, "Did you hear about what was going on in Kyshashstan. Only has a definitive plan to deal with the ongoing situation."

Donate - Every dollar makes a difference towards the goal of most money ever wasted on advertising.

Argue, Argue, Argue - When your rival gets out of hand, cut off their mic. If you don't have your own talk show, simply drown out the other party with insults and loudness. It works just as well.

Vote - P. Diddy demands it.

Hawaii No-Go

Humans are conditioned to their environments for good or bad. If someone hates their job at Astonishing Solutions Inc, they quit and get a job across the street at Incredible Software Corp. Few decisions in life toss us out of our comfort zone. Why are risks and changes such a dreaded part of life?

I could pack up today, take out my savings, and fly to Hawaii, where I spend the rest of my days bartending and surfing. Sure there is a risk, but if it all fails, I could fly back home and pick up where I left off. I could go live a simple, low-stress life, but there are too many things holding me back. I just learned the layout of the new Sam's Club.

Life does not have to be as complicated as we make it. We hold ourselves down with meaningless restraints.

So will I move to Hawaii? No, I have family and friends that I would not want to leave, and they are too cowardly to take the journey with me. Without them though, I would definitely start a new life in a far away land...or maybe just a few towns over. All my clothes are for this climate. I wouldn't want to have to get an entirely new wardrobe.

Better With Age

First job, graduation, kids, laughing at Jay Leno. There are certain moments that define our aging. There are a few less talked about moments when I realized I was getting older.

When I found myself staring at advanced alien rocket equations on the white board. It was the moment when all those lectures from the movies were put into perspective. The weird symbols made sense and half the time Ben Stein was literally teaching the class.

When I stopped being ordered around and starting having conversations. Instead of "go move that box to the front", it was "do you think you should move that box to the front?" That way, weaseling out of situations required less excuses and more big words. "I think that it would be harder to calibrate in that situation. We better just leave it where it is."

When food began costing money. "Wait one second. You're telling me I have to pay for this bologna sandwich? I thought those things were always just hanging out in the refrigerator."

The amazing qualities of youth are often overemphasized. With the vitality, you also carry awkwardness, insecurity, and ignorance. Every age has it's benefit. I've often wished I could be back at a certain time or place, but I've never wished to be my old self.

Calorie Crazy

It is so hard to stay healthy in America. The system is unintentionally designed to keep us fat. Many factors contribute to this.

The first problem is that health is not easy. Small neighborhood markets no longer exist. You have to push your way through a giant store to get to produce that will go bad in three days. If you just buy frozen food instead, you won't have to repeat the nightmare again for another month.

Another issue is price. My healthy side says to get a salad when I'm out. My good shopper side says that if I use the dollar menu, I can get a bag of burgers for cheaper.

The final issue is obviously the deliciousness of fatty foods. I can't help it. A bucket of grease on a wad of meat is the best thing in the world.

I don't even want to get into working out. Talk about a hassle.

Political Yahtzee

Politics these days really is amazing. It is no longer about a decent person coming forward to lead the country. It is more like a game of chess between two ad agencies where each move is crucial.

In the old days it was possible to make mistakes. A candidate could get up on stage and accidentally threaten the pope, and it may not even be reported on. Now everything is being taped. A presidential candidate cannot play Yahtzee with his family without it ending up on youTube.

Instead of it being about a single person, it is about the dozens of people sitting in a room figuring out a strategy to take down their opponent through subtle hints and downright attacks.

Everyone knew in advance what McCain's move would be yesterday. It still worked like a charm. It was like Obama's speech never existed. Now the ball is in Obama's court. Let's see if all this basketball he's been practicing will pay off.

Funny Bone

Humor is an integral part of human life. We all strive to laugh and enjoy ourselves, but there is a lot involved.

The great thing about humor is the risk that is required. When you make a statement like "South Africa is really going through hard times", there is no risk. When you add "that's because you can't get much harder than diamonds", you put yourself out there to face ridicule, and even worse, silence. Make jokes like that too many times and you will end up without friends.

Everyone's sense of humor is different. By telling a joke, you may end up insulting someone. I've never understood how insulted some people can get by comedy. They are trying to make you laugh, not attacking your kids with a bat. No need to burst into flames.

Comedians are some of the bravest people on Earth. If you boo a bad band, you are a jerk. If you boo a bad comedian, you are just part of the crowd.

Refusing to be funny, on the other hand, labels you as boring. Damn us complex humans. It's all just a giant balance act.