How to Name a Band

1. Think of a Catchy Name
Go ahead. Think of anything. The sky is the limit. You want something that will stand out and really set your band apart. It should catch people's attention in a creative way, and not be gross, cutesy, or bizarre.

2. That Name Has Already Been Taken
That sucks. A reggaeton band already took that name on Myspace. Why are there so many damn bands?

3. Try Another Name
a. Grab a Dictionary
Pick a good word and add a 'The' to the front. Any normal word that won't sound like you picked it out of a dictionary will work. It's probably already been taken, but thats why you need to keep trying. Here, I'll do it right now. "The Scratchers". Already been taken. Alright how about "The Mittens". Nope. "The Otters". Nope. We'll, lets just move on.

b. Add an Unassociated Adjective
If you fail at part 'a' there is always the alternative of adding an adjective. For your best chances, add one that doesn't go with your noun. Something like "The Desert Otters", "The Wicked Otters", or "The Squealing Otters".

c. Play the Odds
The longer a name is, the better your chances are that the name has never been used. If you name your band "...and You Will Know Us By The Mittens We Wear", then you are guaranteed to have an original name. If you check and someone already has that name, then God does not want you to be in a band.

4. Check the Web
You have to look towards the future. You don't want all your hard work taken away because there is already a men's club in Tucson, Arizona named "The Desert Otters". Also, you need to make sure that you don't share your name with a cult, or that it is slang for something sexual. You really don't want to know what a fluffy mitten means on the street

5. Get Out There and Rock
Or more likely talk about learning to play the guitar for a while, then give up and get a job.

Redefining Unwinding

A few years ago everyone was screaming about the end of the music industry. "Oh no, if people think they can just get music for free musicians will stop making music, piano instructors will quit, all the old Beatles records will be burned, and the sun will explode." It was apparent to all level headed people that music would go on, but in a different way. Rolling Stone had a recent article about the new face of the music industry. Big Surprise.

It's called transition. It's not always pretty, but everyone has to go through it. It goes back to the caveman ranting that the wheel will kill the stone boot industry.

The same thing that happened with music is happening now with television. The internet will not kill television. Entertainment will live on. Full length shows will not be replaced by short 2 minute skits. Online viewers have a shorter attention span because most are under twenty. They will eventually refine their tastes and watch shows like Gilmore Girls.

Business men are damn good at adapting and finding new ways to make money. I see the television becoming more internet based than the other way around. It's exciting to think that eventually any show will be available at anytime. No more watching Jurassic Park for the 200th time because nothing else is on.

Lemurgency

I have a plan to make an easy living, but I'm not very comfortable with animals, so I would not be able to pull it off myself. For the plan to work you need a good personality and a small initial investment.

The plan becomes easier as it progresses. The first part is the hardest. It requires the buying up of some unusual animals. A few lemurs, a large snake, a family of sugar gliders. No hippos or elephants needed.

The second task is to make it in to a few news reports. Start local, but shoot for a small mention in a national news segment. If you can't get recognition, let one of the lemurs kill the cat next door, then fight city hall over it. The media loves lemur on cat violence pieces.

Now you can just ride the wave of talk shows. America loves animal shenanigans. Promote something. Eat the free food and take home the gift baskets. Train your ferret to poop on the host's desk and you will be invited back.

Write a book about animals, enjoy your house filled with gift baskets, and watch yourself on the best talk show moments special.

Or just continue living your mundane life. It's up to you.

Octuple Stuffed

Twenty-four hour television networks have a lot more in common with avalanches than they do with journalism. There are very few investigations that lead to untold stories, and very many instances of turning around, seeing an incoming wall of snow, and riding it to the bottom, burying unprepared viewers in the process.

Proof comes in the form of Reverend Wright. Reporters spent months trudging through the Iowa snow to report on what kind of muffin Obama preferred for breakfast. Nowhere in that process did someone say, "hey, I wonder if his pastor believes AIDS was intentionally created by the government to kill black people." Maybe someone did, but just because you kick snow doesn't mean you will start an avalanche.

The real superstar of news these days is last year's Time Magazine person of the year, 'you'. Specifically, 'you' if you click on youTube links sent by friends. This new institution of journalism can break stories like Reverend Wright, tasering at a Kerry speech, and Dramatic Gopher.

The real cause of the avalanche effect is why news channels are trapped in a self-sustaining bubble, the reporting of a report of a news story.

"Is the news coverage of Reverend Wright fair?"
"Media backlash against Obama"
"Are we focusing too much on Reverent Wright"

10% of 24 hour news channels contains news.
80% is filler
5% is Bill O'Reilly cutting off someone's mic
4% is an excited Chris Matthews incoherently yelling.
1% is subliminal pictures of Rupert Murdoch counting his money.

XXX: Inaguration Address

The majority of movies are financial failures. It's not an inevitability, it's poor quality control. I don't know who gives the greenlight at some studios, but their signatures are easy to forge. I don't care if movies like Catwoman come out, I don't see them. I just question the investment.

If I was an executive and someone brought Speed Racer to my desk I would say , "Great! I'll give you $50,000. You can release it on SciFi channel next week." The few thousand die-hard Speed Racer fans would tune in. The 299,993,000 other Americans would watch Deal or No Deal.

Successes aren't always easy to spot. Studios would pass up some real gems. Failures are easy to see. The sequels to Charlie's Angels, XXX, and Tomb Raider were mistakes. Sequels are usually worse than the originals. Mediocre movies should stop when they're ahead. Norbit 2 does not need to be made.

Speaking of multiple Eddie Murphys, Meet Dave will be a failure. If not, my badmoviedar is malfunctioning.

Ms. Information and the Robo-Risks

The future of the Earth, especially because of new technology in genetics and computers, contains many troubling questions. How much engineering can you do to a person before they are no longer human? How fast will it be possible to microwave waffles? Who killed Tupac?

I fear for the future of reliable information. All information, from books to television to newspapers will inevitably be transferred to the internet. LakersLoverBoy812 will be the Tom Brokaw of the future. This brings with it serious problems for Democracy. Without a reliable source, how will we know what is true?

I fear the future of reality. What Photoshop does for the authenticity of pictures, holograms and virtual reality could do for normal life. I don't so much fear a 'Matrix' version of the future as I do a jerk with a keyboard and a little 3D modeling experience.

Okay, I take back the 'Matrix' statement. I do fear robots. Honda's robot ASIMO is already walking around comfortably and serving drinks. It's not long before Japan and America team up on robots. Once their innovation joins together with our love of blowing things up, it’s all over.

I don't fear environmental problems or energy shortages. Humans are procrastinators by nature, but when the situation becomes dire, survival instinct kicks in and amazing things can be done. The earth will get hotter, gas lines will form, but we will continue on...as long as ASIMO doesn't have a temper.

Consecotaleophobia

A major flaw with race relations is that almost everything is clumped into the category of "racism". I believe it is more of a "minority phobia" that drives the behavior of Americans today. Humans have the uncontrollable urge to fit in. It goes beyond race, religion, and language, into almost any category that can be used to define us. If you walk into a bar on St. Patrick's Day wearing a bright orange shirt, you will feel uncomfortable.

This minority phobia expands out all the way to the political arena. The immigration issue is just an extension of this fear. Most politicians get very gassy after a few burritos. They fear that if Mexicans become the majority, they will make fools out of themselves during the periodic Washington Fiesta.

An emerging fear is the rise of China as a world superpower. This has less to do with passing the leadership torch, and more to do with the inability to handle chopsticks. American hands were made for punching and firmly holding chicken wings. The rise of a country like Finland would cause far less concern. The average American would say, "Heck, I look like them. If worse comes to worse, I could always pick up yodeling and learn to ride a polar bear."

Some racial fears are well founded though. We let in huge populations of Italians and Irish during the turn of the century and look how drunk and fat off of pizza our country has become.

Number One

This is my first blog post, but by the time you read it there will have been more posts up, so thank you for reminiscing. I hope it means you enjoy this site, and not because you accidently clicked the link on the way to the stumble button.

Expect this blog to have posts on politics, music, entertainment, odd stories, and just general rants. I will try to update daily unless I can't get to a computer every once in a while.

Here is how I plan to organize my media empire.

This Blog - Will keep this page fairly clean and work friendly. Won't put up many pictures, if any.
Media Blog - Things I photoshop, or new song announcements. Maybe videos someday.
Myspace Music Page - Will update some days with new songs
NotThisGod.com - Index of the three sites above.

It's the small things online that really get you. You read a blog that has a reference to Randy Quaid. You look him up on Wikipedia and follow a link to Major League II. Before you know it you're learning how to sculpt cheese into the faces of celebrities. It's a slippery slope that I hope I can contribute to.