Calorie Crazy

It is so hard to stay healthy in America. The system is unintentionally designed to keep us fat. Many factors contribute to this.

The first problem is that health is not easy. Small neighborhood markets no longer exist. You have to push your way through a giant store to get to produce that will go bad in three days. If you just buy frozen food instead, you won't have to repeat the nightmare again for another month.

Another issue is price. My healthy side says to get a salad when I'm out. My good shopper side says that if I use the dollar menu, I can get a bag of burgers for cheaper.

The final issue is obviously the deliciousness of fatty foods. I can't help it. A bucket of grease on a wad of meat is the best thing in the world.

I don't even want to get into working out. Talk about a hassle.

Political Yahtzee

Politics these days really is amazing. It is no longer about a decent person coming forward to lead the country. It is more like a game of chess between two ad agencies where each move is crucial.

In the old days it was possible to make mistakes. A candidate could get up on stage and accidentally threaten the pope, and it may not even be reported on. Now everything is being taped. A presidential candidate cannot play Yahtzee with his family without it ending up on youTube.

Instead of it being about a single person, it is about the dozens of people sitting in a room figuring out a strategy to take down their opponent through subtle hints and downright attacks.

Everyone knew in advance what McCain's move would be yesterday. It still worked like a charm. It was like Obama's speech never existed. Now the ball is in Obama's court. Let's see if all this basketball he's been practicing will pay off.

Funny Bone

Humor is an integral part of human life. We all strive to laugh and enjoy ourselves, but there is a lot involved.

The great thing about humor is the risk that is required. When you make a statement like "South Africa is really going through hard times", there is no risk. When you add "that's because you can't get much harder than diamonds", you put yourself out there to face ridicule, and even worse, silence. Make jokes like that too many times and you will end up without friends.

Everyone's sense of humor is different. By telling a joke, you may end up insulting someone. I've never understood how insulted some people can get by comedy. They are trying to make you laugh, not attacking your kids with a bat. No need to burst into flames.

Comedians are some of the bravest people on Earth. If you boo a bad band, you are a jerk. If you boo a bad comedian, you are just part of the crowd.

Refusing to be funny, on the other hand, labels you as boring. Damn us complex humans. It's all just a giant balance act.

To Each Their Own

One of the things that makes the world interesting is how different people are from one another. For all of our similarities, there is a distinctive uniqueness in each of our personalities.

The proof comes in the form of television documentaries. We all know there are medical experts and political experts, but when it comes to more obscure topics, you can still find that expert you need. The Discovery Channel is doing a documentary on frogs and they need a frog saliva expert for one of their segments? No problem. Somebody out there has devoted their life to this topic.

An expert on staplers? Pez dispensers? Cuisine in 1568? Aquaman? I'm sure these people exist, and would be willing to speak to a camera about what they know.

If anyone needs an expert on MS Paint, I'm your guy to come to. I may not be particularly proud of the ability I picked up years ago, but if The Science Channel came to me, I would be willing to explain all about the airbrush.

Hilldog

Like the rest of the media, I was unsure about how Clinton's speech would go over. Would she unite the party? Would see speak positively of Obama? To my horror the answer to these was "yes". I had no way of knowing a politician like Hillary would do this. Honestly, I made a huge mistake. I wrote my blog last night before the speech started, and have learned to never make assumptions again. I have no time today to make revisions, so I apologize for the inaccuracies in my "recollection" of events.

The second I saw Senator Clinton walk onto the stage I knew the night would be a disaster. Her "Clinton-Clinton '08" shirt was completely inappropriate. Calling Obama's change equivalent to the change brought on by an outbreak of Ebola was just downright mean.

The real shocker was when McCain took the stage and high-fived Hillary. That just has no place at a Democratic convention.

Just when I thought the worst was over, violence erupted on the floor. Hillary yelled to her supporters to attack anyone wearing an Obama shirt. Delegates clashed with each other, thrusting their signs and ripping off pins. The one positive moment was Clinton's quote, "You'll need universal health care when I'm done with you". I thought it was brilliant tie-in.

Why this year, with so much on the line, did the Democrats not come together? Why wasn't Hillary's speech unifying? Why Hillary, why?

Once again, I apologize for my mistake. Clinton made huge strides to unify the Democrats. I am just as shocked as all the commentators were. I'm still waiting for Bill's speech though. We all know he's a loose canon and could say anything about Barack.

List O' Shame

Awkwardness is a part of life, and I have had my share of uncomfortable situations. I would like to painfully reflect on some of the levels of awkwardness.

-A failed high five. The weird miss/half slap that makes both parties feel lame.

-An elevator ride with someone from work you barely know. Trapped in a box of tension.

-The "not sure what your level of comfort is" embrace. Not as bad when you embrace the same way, but very uncomfortable when one goes in for a handshake while the other tries for a hug.

-The "I used to know you but never very well" ignore. When you recognize someone but don't want to talk to them. It takes a lot of concentration to pretend like you never noticed them, but you both know.

-The "I used to know you but never very well" embrace. It goes very well for the first minute, but quickly turns horrific when you realize there is no easy way to leave the conversation. "Well, I'll see you again someday maybe..."

-Accidentally responding to something not directed at you. "Oh you were waving to the person behind me. Excuse me while I crawl into a ball in the corner."

I would like to say that all failures make us stronger, but thinking back to every embarrassing situation is like a kick in the stomach. Much better to just block them out of my memory. Excuse me while I go make a fool out of myself.

School of Rock

Our schools are failing and it will have dire consequences for our future. A country with a good education system can overcome economic hardships because the workforce has useful skills that will be needed again in time. A country with poor education could end up getting lost in the world. What is the problem?

Unlike almost every other job in America, teachers pay is based on the amount of time employed, not on skill or effort. That means that the old grungy woman complaining about her husband is earning more money than the young exuberant professional trying to make a difference for her students. That's not to say experience does not play a part. I had some wonderful teachers who were older and knew exactly what they were doing. The issue is that some did not care anymore. One teacher I had would read the class a long article in the newspaper every morning in a tone that would put a cokehead to sleep. I would wake up drowned in a puddle of drool.

Another problem is the system is easily manipulated. The most handy thing I ever learned was how to pass a class without ever reading or paying attention. It helped me to get by later on and never actually learn useful skills, but pretend like I did. This is a tricky situation. Kids are a lot smarter than you think. It may look like they are daydreaming, but really they are thinking of ways to overthrow the system.

Money is not the problem. There are situations where materials are old and falling apart that it would be nice to get a few more books, but if kids in other countries can learn calculus with a rock and a piece of bark, then a few ripped pages is not the issue. The problem is the culture. It is cool to be stupid and nice looking books cannot do anything about that.

This is a difficult problem to solve, but it is essential for the future. The education system is like a failing business, and the only way to turn it around is to get in new ideas and completely reinvent everything.

Confessions of a Tenuous Blogger

Writing a blog is an interesting experience. I didn't put much thought into it before I started. I figured I enjoyed writing and it would come more naturally as I progressed.

I never realized how short my list of interesting thoughts was.

I do not want to talk about my life. It's hard enough to listen to people I know complain about their problems. When I stumble across someone online I've never met complaining about their life, my fingers abort before my brain can even process what just happened.

I do not want to spend all my time commenting on things I've read online. Fark has links to much more interesting articles than I could ever find.

So I'm left with issues such as society, politics, entertainment, and everyday things I hope people relate to. It hasn't been too difficult to maintain so far, but I can feel repeats and contradictions coming on. Hopefully it helps me organize all these things swirling around in my head.

Now on to topics more people can relate to.

An Ensemble of Issues

I think of a lot of things that are amusing as a short mention, but have little appeal in long narratives. Combined, however, they are a strong team.

-I don't know if the mythical "correctly aligned shopping cart" exists, but I have never run across it. As I walk through the grocery store, I spend more energy keeping my cart from veering left into the canned foods than I do picking out what I need. In my opinion, One-Legged Larry the shopping cart tester needs to find a new occupation.

-Searching for a cheaper gas station is one of the most asinine topics commonly discussed in public. The prices vary so little that when you haul your SUV an extra mile to save 3 cents you have spent more money in the process. Opportunity cost! It's taught in every high school in America, yet no one was awake.

-If a news site promotes an article with an image, the link should take you to an article with that image. When I see a tiny picture of two girls barely holding onto a rope in the middle of a hurricane, I want a larger image, not a picture of blowing trees. That's misleading the public.

-The chips per bag in vending machines has drastically decreased over the years. Now I'm spending money on a bag pumped with air and 4 and a half chips throw inside.

I thought of many more topics, but I forget to write them down, so they are gone forever, or at least until it happens to me again.

The American Slug

We live in a society that promotes the idea that no one can be bound to a certain life by their birth. Everyone has the opportunity to rise up and be great. It would be wonderful if hard work was the determining factor in success, but genetics always weasel their way into the picture.

The kid in the back of the class chewing on his notebook will probably never be an astronaut, despite his undaunted determination. Astronauts are required to know advanced math and to avoid chewing on the expensive equipment.

I played basketball for most of my life and had big dreams, but when I realized I had stopped growing and was a slow runner, I could see the writing on the wall. No matter how long I practiced my shot I would never make it in the basketball world. Look up J.J. Redick for my best case scenario.

Usain Bolt, the fastest runner in the world, was just destined for greatness. For the first few races I thought his nickname was just "The Jamaican Bolt". No, his actual name is Bolt. How could anyone ever compete against that.

How to Survive the Tough Economy

It was recently reported by one of the top economists in the country that the worst is yet to come in the mortgage crisis, and that a major US bank will fail in the coming months. I want to offer some advice to anyone out there worried about your money.

A small initial investment of an electric fence will yield big results when debt collectors come around.

Cancel your expensive HD sports package...I'm just kidding, try making your kids pay rent.

Sell your Beanie Babies for scraps.

Vote for the candidate who has real answers for our economy...Jim Cramer.

Take your money out of stocks and bonds and invest in lottery tickets.

Learn a useful skill, like sucking up to the Chinese.

Habits of Highly Abnormal People

How similar are my bathroom habits to the rest of the human race? It's a solo experience. I've never read a book on it. How would I know if the proper etiquette was to fold toilet paper into a little swan before usage?

I was blissfully unaware that I was holding my kitchen utensils wrong until an embarrassingly older age. I had been using the shovel grip, as I found it to be the most efficient way for scooping huge portions of food into my mouth. Maybe I'm less perceptive than most, but I never noticed I was eating differently.

I also never realized that I drink bottles with the side of my mouth. No one informed me for years that it looked like I either had a mouth injury, or was European.

The thing that usually gives me comfort is the feeling that given a certain situation, almost everyone will respond the same way. Call it instinct, or the shared human experience, but I figure my thoughts and actions are the same as others all around the world. That's why I'm sure that like me, most people tie their pants around their heads in the bathroom to avoid any mess.

Absurdism

Deciding something is "pointless" is all a matter of perception. I saw two things yesterday that were absurd to me at the time. One was a town that created the largest Dairy Queen Blizzard of all time. The other was a man who has devoted his life to creating art out of old gum.

Why do I think these people are so ridiculous? I'm laying on my bed watching TV in my underwear and these people are outside mixing 40 tons of ice cream. At least they are getting exercise. We tend to think of stamp collectors and Trekkies as losers. If they had just devoted their time to bouncing a ball on their foot instead of learning Vulcan they would be admired by people everywhere.

If you throw a basketball into a hoop for hours on end you are hard-working and dedicated. If you replace that basketball with a whiffle ball, you are considered special. The standards are pretty tight.

The Olympics have really highlighted the differences in what cultures see as important. Who would have thought that being really good in badminton or table tennis would get you anywhere in life? Maybe the Chinese felt the same way about swimming.

If making a giant Blizzard is what make someone happy, why should they feel weird about it? I say keep it up. If you want to flood downtown Denver with ice cream, just make sure you mixed in some Butterfinger chunks.

Critical Thinking

There are times when it's really quiet and I can really start to think that I feel like a stunning idea is about to cross my mind. Like I'm just one neuron away from revolutionizing mankind.

It's a long shot. What could I possibly think of that billions of people over thousands of years missed. Socrates and Nietzsche could sit and think for hours. I have a the attention span of a infant squirrel.

Still, what if I have one odd brain cell that helps me understand spacetime like nobody else. An extra little push to compose a breathtaking song. I just sit and think.

Then I begin to hum a song from a commercial I saw earlier. Apparently I'm just bored

The Road To Ruin

Pursuit of happiness is an ugly phrase. Jefferson made a mistake when he included it in the founding of our country. There is no pursuit of happiness. There is no magic road to travel down towards bliss.

Over the years, people have tried to quantify happiness so that others could pursue this goal given to them by their glorious nation. With advertising it turned into: happiness is a car, or toaster, or gym membership. When individuals reach this mythical goal of being able to have anything, they realize they aren't any happier than before. They either set a new goal, fame or power, or sink into an empty feeling.

Jefferson should have wrote about the pursuit of health, stability, safety, or jets big enough to play 9 holes of golf on. If happiness was a quest, Americans would be laughing and skipping around. Happiness is not a pursuit, it is a state of mind.

Georgia On My Mind

It took me a while to get my head around the Georgia/Russian conflict, but I finally did enough research to understand (I ran across the Wikipedia article). I will try to explain it in simple terms.

Georgia is me, Russia is a guy named Bob, and South Ossentia is a bologna sandwich. I own a bologna sandwich, but Bob tells me I am not allowed to touch it. One day, I am really hungry and I take a bite out of it. Bob beats me until I am unconscious.

Was the sandwich really the issue? Was Bob pissed off because I was doing well and he hadn't been cool since the '80s? Was he mad that I was building a pipeline that bypassed him when shipping oil from Azerbaijan to the West? No one knows for sure.

People in the Caucasus really need to start mingling with one another. At least start hanging out at the same malls.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b0/Caucasus-ethnic_en.svg

If people in Milwaukee looked different, spoke another language, and were living off of radishes, then they would probably attempt to break free from the vicious rule of Wisconsin.

Fully Developed

A "Developing Country" is a nation that actually has to use its workforce to make useful items. A "Developed Country" is a nation that uses its workforce to discuss and pass around the items that other countries have made.

Money is now just digits in a database. We have invented a genius system where someone gives us a bunch of things we need, and in return we give them a couple numbers on the computer. The United States imports far more than it exports. That's like giving someone a yo-yo, getting a Wii in return, and calling it a fair trade.

If the whole system were to collapse, who would actually be useful?

Bankers would obviously be gone, along with anyone working with the stock market, finances, investment firms, or insurance.

No more salesmen, advertisers, or marketers. All of them just move around other country's products.

Goodbye to the huge portion of the software industry that deals with banks and insurance.

After all the other related jobs are gone, we are left with small pockets of resistance. The few independent bakers and butchers left. Farmers in the midwest. The small yo-yo manufacturers. Wait, all yo-yos are now made in Taiwan. I take it back, they just give us the Wii and yo-yo for free.

The Seven Forgotten Virtues

Our civilization has almost completely disregarded all virtues that were once held holy. How far have we really wavered from our moral paths?

Chastity: A practice long commended by celebrities right up until they turn 18 and enter a new sexy phase. When popular movies are treating chastity like a curse we know that sins and virtues have been flipped and we are living in an upside down world.

Liberality: The phrase "donate to charity" has not been uttered without mentioning "tax write-off" in years. Trying to change the world has already been done. Go back to the 60's you hippie.

Temperance: If God did not want me to eat so much that I threw up, then why did he allow all-you-can-eat buffets to exist. The seven virtues were created previous to the invention of the buffalo wing.

Kindness: When abandoned puppy commercials are more sad than starving African children, we know we are digging our way to a new moral low.

Diligence: Replaced with a wonderland of procrastination known as the internet. We try to make time for work in between reading news stories and watching funny videos.

Humility: The last music video where the performer wore less than 2 million dollars in accessories was in 1992. Our heroes wear diamond shoelaces and drive million dollar cars. I wonder how much the Batmobile or an actual lunar rover would cost to buy.

Patience: Have you ever stood in the returns line at Wal-Mart? Forget it, I'll just keep the broken iPhone.

Our morals have been flipped around. Here's where I wrote about the sins a few months ago:
The Seven Essential Sins

Conspiracy Nuts and Bolts

The internet empowers the stupidest amongst us to raise up and be heard. The idiot revolution is starting to gain momentum, and we need to put down before it's too late.

Idiots are no longer confined to their homes, complaining to anyone within earshot about how the government has just approved a plan to put tracking devices in every person's head. They have a platform to spread their ideas to the world.

Whenever I watch a documentary online about global conspiracies I'm usually very intrigued. Everyone wants to solve a mystery, and what's better than a worldwide mystery.

After the documentary is over I usually do a quick fact check, and find that I have completely wasted two hours of my life. They had to have stumbled across a complete contradiction to their claims somewhere along the line. It's like these online conspiracy nuts are blindfolded and swinging randomly at a pinata that does not exist.

I don't want my government removed because there is a fear they are really lizard people. Even if they turn out to be lizard people I don't really mind. Lizards are notoriously skilled at economics.

Our Legends

Blockbuster movies can make millions, and bands can sell out stadiums, but they are no more legendary than the serial novelists who outsold Ernest Hemingway. Few masterpieces break through the centuries like Beethoven and da Vinci, but those that do are a window into a certain time period. I don't want my time to be marked only by politics and war. I want future generations to see the creative passion of my time.

What happened to our legends? Were the Bob Dylans and John Lennons born from some perfect melding of post-war establishment rebellion and LSD induced creativity? Is today's society, run by former hippies, which encourages free expression and questioning authority, actually hampering the rise of a new generation of icons?

Did the paparazzi kill them? Was the mythology behind Hendrix due to the fact that there was still mystery and every move he made wasn't captured by a horde of photographers?

Is the market oversaturated? Recording used to be expensive, but can now be done by any twelve-year-old with a computer. If every laptop could start printing out gold bars, even a mountain of gold wouldn't look that impressive.

Has everything been done? Has popular music run its course? Is even the most innovative music just taking old songs and dressing them up in new ways?

Maybe my kids will look at today's stars and wished they had lived now so they could see them play. Maybe it just takes time.

The Cost of Fame: $0

Today's celebrity: All the isolation and lack of privacy as stars of the past with none of that pesky admiration or respect.

At an age where hundreds of channels, movies, and websites are touting new celebrities daily, fame is not hard to come by, but the benefits of that fame are rapidly diminishing.

The reason celebrities are not as rich and beautiful as before is because beauty and achievement are no longer requirements of stardom. Long ago, when celebrities stopped doing important things, their publicity would stop. They would have to demolish a town on elephant back, or hijack a train full of pandas to get a mention in the press again. Now, going to a pet supermarket constitutes breaking news.

I don't expect the public to idolize the most talented authors or artists. Anyone with passion, dedication, or creativity will do just fine. Too bad apathy and stupidity are in season.

China Rising

When Bush said it would be easier if the US was a dictatorship he had a good point. China had a much easier time putting together the Olympics than most other countries. China may not be a dictatorship, but lets just say it can be dictatorshipish.

When citizens can't petition the government because you encased the entire poor part of town in concrete, there are few obstacles in planning. China did not need to go through a hearing about why 30,000 fireworks were bought with taxpayer money. If the Chinese government wants 30,000 fireworks, the Chinese government gets 30,000 fireworks.

It works well on the nationwide scale, but not so much on the individual basis. I very much enjoy making sarcastic comments about my leaders, and I would fight to protect that right.

How to Look Environmentally Friendly

It is becoming cool to be environmentally concious. It is a great thing, because real change has to occur with a society, not just with the government or media. Not everyone has gotten rid of their gasoline powered refrigerators yet, and I don't want anyone to feel left out, so here are some ways to appear in the know:

Make things you already do in your daily life about the environment - "I really try to use less paper by emailing instead of writing out notes and sending them via carrier pidgeon."

Research facts to appear well informed - "Did you realize that Apple is switching to all flourecent light bulbs. It's just great how companies are moving towards more green solutions."

Throw out guilt trips - "You should consider installing solar panels. It really helps reduce your footprint."

Add "It's not the solution, but every little bit helps" to the end of every sentence about the environment or energy.

Complain your way out of embarrasment -
"Oh, you drive a pick up truck..."
"I know it's just ridiculous. These automobile manufacturers make no attempt to help our environment. Then are in it with the big oil companies. I need a big truck to get around and they make me choose between a gas guzzler and a tiny hybrid."

Now go out there and look green.

The Good Times Are Killing Me

We are caught in an unavoidable trap of romanticized recollection of the past and optimistic hopes for the future. An onslaught of songs have told us to enjoy the day. We were not made to live in the present. We live in the past and future.

It's almost impossible to compete with other times. Real life can never live up to our selective memories. When I think back to high school I don't usually remember sitting in calculus class for two hours, slowly bobbing my head as the teacher droned on about integrals. I remember shooting water balloons at the gym class and getting caught sneaking off campus. Overall it feels like high school was just one extremely fun filled week. In reality it was a four year stay at a cesspool of insecurity and boredom.

The future is just as bad. I see all these dreams off in the distance and say, "Just wait until I get there, then everything will be great". When I get there, I will take a look from where I came and wish I had never left.

I do have fun and I'm happy with the time I'm in, but I always have to fight off my past and future selves, mocking me while I sit at work on another long day.

Get Rich or Die Trying

The internet is an extremely interesting prospect for all the dreamers in the world who want to get rich quick. For the first time it is possible to start a successful company without any risk.

In the past, dreams of success required at least a little initiative. If you wanted to make millions selling delicious ice cream, you would need to go buy some milk, sugar, and rock salt, open up a stand, and wait around. The internet dream is like drawing a picture of an ice cream cone and hoping the cash will start flowing in.

Facebook is a testament to the new age of business. Mark Zuckerberg probably created other websites before Facebook, and would have probably created others if it had not been such a hit. When a business fails, the owner can go bankrupt. When a website fails, the user makes his way around forums to promote his next work of genius.

"I have a created an amazing new website. It's called pleasegivemeyourmoney.com. It's fun and 90% of every dollar goes to getting me a freakin' X-Box 360."

A sure failure, but no worries. Just move on and create another waste of cyberspace.

What's Going On

I thought I would summarize some of the events of the past week for those of you who have been on vacation or just hate to be informed about the world.

McCain comes up with ad idea mocking Obama's celebrity status using Dorothy Gish and Fay Wray. Realizing neither actress is still alive, McCain's aids secretly edit Paris Hilton into the commercial.

Obama throws out the race card, unaware that McCain was holding the "here he goes bring up race" card. It's +2 to blocking and +4 to irritation from suburban families. Very effective.

Morgan Freeman narrates his entire car accident and following emergency response, going so far as to drive his paramedics to tears with beautiful dialogue about the tragedies of life.

As athletes begin to arrive in China, concerns are raised about human rights, air pollution, and awakening ancient dragons.

A suspect in the anthrax case commits suicide. Good enough for us. Case closed.

You Say You Want a Revolution

It is in the human spirit to revolt. The youth have always looked for any way to take down the establishment. There is simply angst in human nature, and throwing rocks and flipping over cars is a way to release that anger.

The pre-Vietnam War-protesting hippies really showed that humans are hard to satisfy.

"Hey, join the family business, you will be able to buy a house, raise a family, and do whatever you want," the parents said.

"I'm tired of your oppression!" the kids yelled back, "I'm going to drop some acid and make mud angels to show you how I feel about your stupid 'job'."

It makes you wonder where the protesters are today. There is no lack of reasons to get involved.

Are the youth of today too drugged up on energy drinks and Halo to take a stand? It is a lot easier to take your aggression out on a gooey alien as opposed to the government. It doesn't require being gassed, arrested, or standing up.

I'm not asking for the streets to be filled with demonstrations. I enjoy being able to drive to work without "accidentally" running over people in my way. I just wonder where all that angst went.

A Glass Case of Emotion

There are things we do that defy logic. Sometimes we move forward solely based on our emotions. Yesterday, as I was trapped in a epic struggle with a puzzle, stubbornness and frustration flowed through the air, suffocating anyone foolish enough to walk by.

When I was handed a cube with interlocking pieces and told to take it apart, no one was aware that my life was about to take a dramatic turn. My new goal, one that trumped all others, was to reassemble the cube. I could not rest until there were no loose pieces.

It's easy to watch from a distance and say, "it's just a stupid puzzle, just throw that thing away, I don't care". I realized the ridiculousness of my situation. The cube had no impact on my life whatsoever and I had more important things to do. It did not matter.

When I finally completed the puzzle much later, it was not a moment of triumph, more of a snap back into a reality. I felt I had wasted my time and had nothing to show for it. I don't know why I cared so much. I wasn't trying to prove anyone wrong. I wasn't even trying to prove myself wrong. I knew I could do it with enough time.

Thus is humanity, we may have foolish goals, but we are sure tenacious and stubborn. In the end, there really is no logic, only our emotional drives and some damn cubes that need assembling.

Television Blues

Congratulations everyone, we have finally done it. There is no longer anything on the airwaves that requires any thought. It was a long process, but we got rid of those stupid documentaries and annoying news reports.

When History Channel finally removed their last historical program and added on "Shockwave" I let out a cry of joy. At last, my dream of watching things explode on 6 channels simultaneously was achieved.

It was a matter of time before they connected with today's society. The ultimate sign of awesomeness was when the History Channel played a marathon of Monster Quest on memorial day. Nothing gives a huge middle finger to our fallen soldiers like a day of men claiming a 30 foot tall wolf is sending them hidden messages.

Viewers find pundits and special reports are far more interesting than journalists and news stories. The TV executives have finally given the public what they want.

Forget channel specific programming. No one wants music on MTV or history on The History Channel. I want Spike to be indistinguishable from PBS. Someone hand Jim Lehrer fireworks or something, I'm falling asleep over here.

King of Ramenia

The bar has been raised higher for each consecutive generation. Thousands of years ago, if you made it through the day without being eaten by a tiger you could call it a success. If you came home with some meat or fruit there was a celebration in store.

We have exploded past our survival days. Excluding cars, mortgage payments, and laser tag sessions, if you make $10 an hour you can keep yourself fed for a month after one day of work. If you told a farmer a few hundred years ago he could live a year off of 2 weeks of work, he would have burned you at the stake.

For any other time there were two options if you didn't want to work hard. You could be king, or you could be dead. Considering the fact that most kings who just sat around and ate all day ended up dead anyways, there was really only one option.

I've never plowed a field or haul giant bricks up a mountain. I make money without having to stand up. It is really quite ridiculous.

The world is not at the point where everyone can have 3 meals a day, but I think it is tiptoeing in a positive direction. Each new ramen factory brings us one step closer to ending world hunger.

Another One Down the Tube

America is a democracy where we elect people like us to represent us. It is why voters choose someone they would enjoy having a beer with over a candidate who is out of touch. Explain then how 75% of Americans use the internet, yet an embarrassingly large number of leaders don't know the difference between an ethernet port and a DVD player.

I don't expect a senator to walk around holding an iPhone and talking on his BlueTooth, but I would like him to be able to know that the internet is more than "a series of tubes".

30 years ago, I would have expected my senators to at least be able to use a typewriter instead of scribbling things down with a quill pen. Everyone knew the internet would change the world over ten years ago. Five years ago you were either using the internet or living in a tree fort.

Here is a little instruction guide for getting online. Click the power button then click the little blue 'e' twice with the mouse.. No no, don't worry Ted Stevens, you won't break the internet.