Alert: New Danger TBA

Driving today, I played a game of mental connect-the-dots. Somehow I ended up thinking about the issue of the elderly and driver's licenses. It's an old issue that was extensively covered 2 year ago. It was a hot topic being talked about in 24-hour cable debates, TV headlines, and internet articles. Then, it all died away. Was it that the elderly stopped getting into accidents? I find it hard to believe that there were tons of incidences involving seniors crashing into circus tents full of disabled children one week, and then the next week everything was safe and sound.

This brought to mind all the hullabaloo about contaminated Chinese products coming to America last summer. Though there is still a little discussion, the fad seems to have died away. It started out serious, with lead paint on children's toys. By the time the story began dying away, newscasters were pulling out anything they could get their hands on.

The media is like a class of cheating students back in school. There must be some smart journalist who is getting the new scoops, and all the other networks watch and change some of the answers so its not obvious they copied.

News stations don't currently seem to be clawing too hard for a new topic. The elections are keeping them busy. There are all kinds of scoops, from the candidates' favorite pastas to least favorite Michael Bolton songs. Piles and piles of useless news are just lying around, waiting for another dry spell.

A Lasso Made of Words

Ensnaring people in a conversation is an art form. I have neither the knowhow or the energy to capture an individual with my words. Some people can keep you trapped for an hour. I commend them for their talent, but also fear for my life when they pass by.

I have already been trapped in two long conversations this morning. I don't know what it is about today, but I must look eager to have a heart-to-heart. When I'm talking, I always give the listener a chance to abandon ship. After five minutes of solo speaking, unless there is a crowd gathering around, your listener is daydreaming about all the productive things they could be doing instead of hearing your story.

The fact that most humans would prefer hear their own voice is one of those huge shames in life. If you really want your listener to care, you better have something really good to talk about.

J6ShawnH61

Keeping track of my passwords is getting more and more difficult. I have about 10 separate passwords. I have one for my home computer, work computer, email, punch-card page, and two for online banking. Those are just the ones I go on daily. I have many additional assorted ones. The worst part is most of those have to be changed consistently, so that no one can secretly read my emails while punching me out for an hour lunch break.

The problem with a desire for a universal password is that every site seems to have a different requirement for passwords. My main password has no numbers. Some sites require at least one or two. Some sites make you put in a capital letter. Others require you to have at least one Bob Dylan reference in your password.

Until I figure out a password that contains letters, numbers, symbols, at least one Waynes brother, is less than 6 characters, and is more than 7 characters, I'm out of luck.

Freshman Friday

I wonder how the process of easing a new individual into the presidency works. The election portion is well covered through television, radio, newspapers, flyers, water-cooler discussions, cereal boxes, action figures, etc., but there is not as much discussion of the first few days in office. When does he get to learn all the dirty little secrets.

One method of getting the new president up to date would be to throw out all the information at once. It would be a lot of unsettling news, but it would avert many uncomfortable situation. "Mr. President, may I introduce Jimmy Hoffa. Oh really...I could have sworn we told you. Must have slipped my mind." I actually bet that I would be let down from what I learned. There was probably a lone gunman, no UFO cover up, and a real moon landing.

Easing a president into the information would probably be safer, but makes you question who really runs the government.

Same Show, New Washed Up Celebrities

It's amazing to me that shows like American Idol don't update. It would be easy to change the format in exciting ways while the show is still successful. Instead, they ride the show until it nosedives into a flaming pile of overused reality TV gags. By the time the producers realize they should have a Celebrity American Idol, an amazing new sitcom about people in their late 20's trying to find love in a big city will be spanking it in the ratings.

Shows that end in their prime always impress me. Seinfeld managed to recognize that Kramer sliding into the room would only be funny for 200 episodes or so. It was the late 90's, and people's tastes were becoming more refined. Observational humor was out, soon to be replaced by immunity challenges and scorpion eating.

The part that stings the most is that I guarantee the creativity/success connection is a very, very loose one. We want to believe that the most creative people get ahead, but that is not the case. If that were so, then explain Law and Order: Angry Spouse Adventures, or 98 Degrees. I think I'm still just angry because Arrested Development never caught on. The 1.3% of the population that watched, you are cool with me. To those other idiots...you know what you did. Quick, The Big Bang Theory is coming on.

Change We Are Afraid to Believe In

In history books, certain technological breakthroughs are described as explosions that dramatically change a society. Reading about the industrial revolution gives the impression that one day everyone was plowing their fields with an ox and two sticks, and they woke up the next morning on the 12th story of a New York high rise with a hangover from a night of swing dancing.

The world around the time of the new millennium is progressing much faster than it ever has before. History books centuries from now will make it seem like we were dialing our friends on a rotary phone and marveling at calculators one day, and then we woke up plugged into the world with information and communication at our finger tips.

Technology progresses in such a smooth way that we don't notice how rapidly we are really moving. When I first saw Mario 64 at Toys 'R' Us ten years ago, I fell to my knees and cried, "What sorcery has God cast onto this world!" Now it looks like a drunken developer from EA had access to a computer one Friday night.

I'm still frightened at the idea of where technology is taking us, but if you look at it from an historical perspective, future generations usually see old technology as having brought positive progress, and new technology as being scary and confusing. I don't want to own a cotton plantation or train to become a tailor. I want to press my fingers down a few times and get a t-shirt delivered to my door a week later. I thank Eli Whitney and Steve Jobs for that.

New Christmas Card City

China scares me. There's something frightening about a country that has grown out of nothing to become a world superpower, or a country that can have a city devoted entirely to making deodorant. There's something even more frightening about a country that can bring its Olympic torch to the top of Mount Everest. The closest America had to that accomplishment was recovering the torch at a pawnshop after getting mugged on the way through Detroit.

Americans don't like the idea of another nation taking the lead in the world. It's like the idea of choosing driving over flying even though it's more dangerous. People feel better with control over a situation. We like to know that we have a .00000078% say in one of two people that will decide which countries we are mad at.

I would like to congratulate China though. They had some tough teen years, but then really seem to be studying hard in community college. I only hope that they don't become snobby during grad school.

Different Strokes

Humans have a wide range of determination levels. The lowest is the 45-year-old man eating Bagel Bites on his mom's couch while watching the Powerpuff Girls. The highest is the man who can throw a dime into a shot glass from 50 yards away.

I don't know what possesses people to pursue obscure talents. Is it some existential appifany where the person quits trying to strike it rich and famous and thinks, "oh what does it matter, I'll just become extremely good at bouncing a raquetball on my head"? Without a clear outline of their goals, I can't imagine a person looking back on the past 20 years of their life and being proud.

This is not to say I'm not extremely impressed by perfection in any form, I just learn more towards Bagel Bites than thousands of hours pursing a neat trick. If I were to throw 11 strikes in a row in bowling, I know I would slip and smash my face into the hard wood as I watched my 12 throw roll into the gutter 2 lanes over. That is if I didn't have a stroke while waiting for my ball to return. It is just not worth the pain.

So to everyone learning to throw playing cards or fire a crossbow, I commend you. I will be watching Cartoon Network if you need me.

Juicy Rumor and Political Humor

I like to think that Washington DC is extemely important because it's the place where policies are decided that will have an impact on the entire world. Reporters there are so much more informed and professional then the reporters in Hollywood that spew out stories of celebrity pregnancies and breakups while chasing after stars and leaving behind trails of drool.

This little schema of the news has slowly been shattered over the past few months as I've witnessed the world of politics in its 21st century form. The utter destruction has come in stages, but the real clincher was the week Clinton conceded.

When reporters found out Obama was not on the plane he had scheduled to fly in, it was like a teenager had just smashed a wasp nest with a baseball bat. Journalists buzzed out in a million directions looking for a target to swarm on. Who did Obama think he was, Brad Pitt?

It was at that moment that I realized all you had to do was replace the name Obama with John Mayer and Clinton with Jessica Simpson, and you had gossip worthy of a small picture in the corner of Star Magazine below a giant spread on Tom Cruise claiming he could fly.

Reporters and photographers are the same everywhere. They want the story, and will cause a stampede down any major street if they spot someone that looks important.

I Wanna Rock

Yesterday I mentioned the changing tastes in our society, but I never got into music. Music is stuck between the timelessness of books and the live-hard-and-burnout-fastness of TV.

There is something strange with radio stations. It is like the airwaves are in the middle of a gangster turf war. No music channel is allowed to cross over into their rival's territory.

There is the modern rock station, which is allowed to play music from 1989 to the present. This time is categorized by raspy screaming or strange artsy effects.

Classic rock stations are allowed to play music from 1967 to 1989. Be ready to heard hard driving riffs and high pitched shrieks.

Oldies stations are allowed to play music from 1966 to the point right after people stopped tap dancing while singing.

It takes a teenage venturing into ancient history to discover that old music is actually good, unlike claims from peers that classic rock "is lame". Indie stations could secretly pass off some lesser known Rolling Stones songs as new. They won't though, for fear of being gunned down by the other mob bosses. Their only hope of introducing kids to the classics are poorly done covers by Good Charlotte.

Complete Fadness

It's amazing how fast our tastes change as a society. One minute you're jean shorts and a Pearl Jam shirt, and suddenly you turn around and only Arnie, the kid with a bowl cut listening to Smash Mouth on his Discman, has on similar clothes.

Movies that I remember being very well done now look like a big joke to me. I used to think sci-fi films in the 90's were intense and entertaining. When I watch them now I think, "this is not how people would talk if they were going to war against aliens". Maybe stress from an extraterrestrial invasion really does cause poor voice infliction and stale dialog.

Television is the worst. There are a ton of movies that are timeless. TV, on the other hand, plays towards the crowd of the week. Old shows are enjoyable only for nostalgic purposes. Otherwise, watching a maid crack jokes like, "this rag is dustier than Dwight Eisenhower's farm bill" are unbearable.

Books are the best for standing the test of time. Novels can communicate human thoughts and emotions that are the same in every generation without involving too much pop culture. That is why kids in school are still reading The Canterbury Tales, and you can't find Mork & Mindy anywhere on television.

Luckily we have finally figured the system out, and future generations will look back at us and realize how cool we really are. Women with giant glasses will never go out of style.

House of the Holy

One day I am walking through the forest when I trip on a fake plastic rock. Inside is a Better Homes and Gardens genie. He offers me the chance to build my dream home. Here is what I choose:

Waterfall Doors - The water recedes with the turn of a key. Cool-looking and safe. I want to see a robber steal my TV when he has to walk through 50 tons of falling water.

Lazy River Channels - My house will be like Venice, but with innertubes and beer.

Lego Room - As a kid I never seemed to have enough Legos. I would run out of the 6-long Legos and have to compensate with ridiculous combinations of 4 and 2. Even if I never play with Legos again, I want to know that I won't run out in the middle of an important construction project.

Sassy Old Butler - Kind and dedicated, but isn't afraid to give a little back-talk.

Betamax Library - When people I don't particularly like come over, I offer the a wide assortment of the best in betamax cinema. I laugh hysterically as I watch Bluray in my home theater.

Popup Furniture - Disappearing furniture with the push of a button. Great for indoor freeze tag.

Of course I want the standard giant pool, water slide, and private bowling alley type house, but where's the fun in explaining all that.

Bed, Bath, and Bitterness

I bolted through Best Buy frantically searching for the perfect present. There were 250 kinds of iPods, each with a slightly different feature. They ranged from one so small you couldn't take your eyes off it in fear it might disappear into the abyss to another one 4 feet wide with enough space to fit 80 terabytes of music. All the toys in the section were above $200; Well outside my price range. I made my way to the DVD section. It was a weak idea considering I had gotten DVDs the past two years, and was unaware that good movies had slowly been phased out and a strict Matthew McConaughey only rule had been put into place. All that remained were toasters and giant plasma TVs. I had already exhausted Target. Bed Bath and Beyond was out of the question unless they had changed their corporate policy of dousing me with a bucket of fragrances when I walked through the door. I failed miserably and settled on a card that simply said "Better Luck Next Year." I tried to be a giver, but the universe decided it would be my selfish week.

I am afflicted with gift panic a few times a year. It's the dreaded period of time between optimistically looking through shelves of socks, and buying a Starbucks gift card. I always assume things will work out and the perfect present will hit me eventually. There are about 5 searchable stores, each with 10,000 products. All I need is odds better than 1 in 50,000. Lottery ticket buyers laugh at shoppers for their naivety.

Kids are extremely easy to shop for. Turn to the Disney channel, ignore McDonalds and cereal commercials, and you walk away with a completed Christmas list. Adults are extremely complicated. People don't spend $200 shopping for me, and if I really want something that is relatively inexpensive, I don't wait around for a holiday.

I propose a new "cash only" gift policy. It's a win-win. Kind-hearted individuals are rewarded with measurable recognition, and tight-pocketed individuals receive more money to snuggle with at night.

Berry Bloody World

Mankind is in a constant state of war. It's the ultimate cruel joke that no human wants war, yet it can never be stopped. The motivation behind war has evolved over the years.

War started out as a way to get what you wanted. If your neighbor had berries, and they looked sweeter than your own berries, you would declare war on them and then bake a pie over their destroyed village.

War then evolved to struggles for power. Power struggles involved berries just the same as the earlier wars, but the wars did not stop when all the bellies were full. Citizens fought for berry bushes for the glory of their king and country. "Glory" being the king's ability to flick off his neighbors with a snide grin.

The latest evolution of war has been "for the greater good". The first two states of war are still involved, but now leaders, sincerely or not, try to appeal to man's desire to improve the planet. "We want everyone to have a bushel of berries, but first we must take control of all berries." Nazism and both sides of the Cold War operated under this principle, though the goals and approaches were drastically different.

My prediction for the next stage of war is either:
1. Morality - Differing views on genetics and technology.
2. Step One Revisited - We blow ourselves up and go back to fighting for pie.

The Pile of Smurfs Syndrome

I find it easier to manage serious situations over petty ones. When a real problem comes into my life, I know that it has to be taken care of right away, and there is no avoiding it. Small issues, though, are put to the side and can really pile up and make me feel overwhelmed. It makes some sense, but defies the conventional thinking that:

Small problems are easier to deal with, thus less stressful.
Important problems take more time and energy, which lead to more stress.

This just isn't the case. If I lose my phone, objects are getting thrown through the bedroom window before the end of the commercial break. If I lose my car, I've already picked out a new car online, and worked out the finances before the police can finish telling me they found half of my dashboard.

Our government is the same way. It takes a month of arguing over who really supports children and unemployed farmers when renaming a bridge. If our country is attacked, you can be assured that a B-2 is on its way to bomb the crap out of some foreigners. There is no debate in congress over money or manpower. In those critical situations, we know that a previously unknown country is about to get its 15 minutes of fame, and that 5.7 billion people are reminding the United States of how much they love the Beach Boys and the super savings they get at Wal-Mart.

Ping Pong Diplomacy

A car is like an anger machine. I don't have road rage, but my frustration level is increased at least 300% while driving. The people who get the violent road rage already have controllable anger issues, but when they sit behind the wheel, they end up taking a baseball bat to a motor scooter that didn't signal a left turn. There's just something extremely frustrating about being stuck going 46 mph when you know you could be going 48.

It might be a conspiracy from car manufacturers who put chemicals in the seats so we crash violently and have to buy new cars. The other explanation is mechanics sweat testosterone onto the engine which blows on us when we start the air conditioning.

Car anger doesn't penetrate the rest of our lives. If it did I would cut off old ladies at the supermarket and trip joggers as I ran by. If we could harness this power, there would be no need for us to go to war again. We could drop anger bombs over Iran and watch the kill each other over games of ping pong. I doubt Iranians play ping pong. Maybe that's why there hasn't been a start to diplomacy.

Enemies List

In light of an article on Clinton's enemies list, I have started an enemy list of my own.

Frank Caliendo - I don't remember Al Pachino, Bill Clinton, or George Bush being so fat.

Andy Warhol - Not a creative genius. A hack artist who valued gimmicks over talent. Like Campbell's soup, was extremely famous, but left you unsatisfied and a little nauseous.

Subway/FreeCreditReport.com - The Backstreet Boys of advertising jingles. I hum the songs in my car as my brain slowly caves in on itself.

Eddie Murphy - You've made the same exact movie 8 times. I'm on to you.

Any Band Claiming They Will Be Amazing - Your new CD is not like Sgt. Pepper's for a new generation. While you're claiming the music will shatter social structures, listeners are switching over to Avril Lavigne.

Olmert/Abbas - Stop arguing over Israel and Palestine. Both of you draw a line on a map and the borders will be the average of the two. Don't storm out because you both want the same fig tree. Just do something!

Richard Nixon - Your list is dull and spiteful. Mine covers the reality of current life.

Chicken, Corn, and Acrylics

Art is so hard to define. No one knows exactly what it takes to make a masterpiece. That is what is so intriguing about it. Humans push to understand the inner workings of everything, but there is no magical formula to art.

How much of art is really the emotional response, and how much is the hype surrounding the work. I want to see a study where researchers show a test subject a canvas that an artist had accidentally dropped his TV dinner onto, and explain how it was created by Frederick VonAwesomeburg and was so powerful its mere presence started the Russian Revolution. After that, they show "Three Musicians" by Picasso and explain how a crackhead had broken into their lab and secretly drawn it on their test canvas. Then they ask the participants to rate each work of art.

It would be interesting to see how much influence other people can have over someone's perception of artwork. As far as I know, Bob Dylan is a great musician, but what if I'm just swayed by the critics? What if Sum 41 could just as easily be the great band of our time? "Fat Lip" might just be pure musical euphoria.

How to Become President

1. Practice Speaking/Body Language
Say "I will make America safer" with a snarl and closed fists. Work on accentuating your puppy dog eyes while saying "the health care crisis needs to be solved". Practice transitioning between the two with relative ease. Topics can switch fast, and you may be called on to go from baby panda to rabid baboon in a split second.

2. Examine Your Past
If you are running on principals of openness, embrace your past drug use and explain how it has helped shape you into becoming more responsible and better understanding of the dangers of substance abuse. If you are running on high moral ground, lock all childhood friends in a dungeon for 2-10 years, depending on election success.

3. Predict a Future Event
It lets people see that you have good judgment. Obama is the nominee because he predicted the Iraq War was a mistake. McCain is the nominee because he thought the surge would be successful. I personally think we should cut off Japan's electricity before they develop killer robots. Check back in 30 years to see how well my campaign is going.

4. Understand the Political Climate
If people love the current president, promise them you'll get plastic surgery and buy all the same suits. If people want change, tell them you're about to knock their socks off, flip them inside out, and throw them into a futuristic washing machine. If people are afraid of zombies, promise them a chainsaw in every pot and an armored vehicle in every garage.

5. Get Money
There are a few ways to pump money into your campaign.
a) Promise a lot of regular people you will save them a little bit of money
b) Promise a few rich people you will save them a lot of money
c) Marry someone rich. For example, the heir/heiress to the Boo Berry fortune.

After that, just let the media take over and see where you end up. If you fail, you can then move on to a lucrative career showing PowerPoint presentations.

Football By Hex

What does it say about our country that success is coupled with mass animosity. We are a country that likes the underdog, but it goes well beyond that. A record breaking team is consistently rooted against. A philanthropist star is seen as pompous and preachy.

Has civilization always been that way? Do history books reflect a more romantic view of figures such as George Washington? It is possible that his men were jealous of his wig and his cool portraits. I'm sure he came across as a little arrogant when he talked about winning a war against the world's biggest superpower, being the father of a new country, and being married to that hot Martha Washington.

Being the underdog in sports means you have a worse record than your opponent. We are a country that supports luck over talent. The Patriots are amazing and all...but I would just love to see the Giants have an on night and beat this much more deserving team. I don't know if this thought process is inherent or learned, but it sure seems reversed. I really wish the Hawks had won.

Green Cheese

Oswald shot Kennedy. There was no secret CIA plot, there was no magic bullet, there was no communist conspiracy. For a while I didn't believe the official story, but after getting enough information, it seems like the most reasonable answer. A big problem with conspiracy theories today is the oversaturation. Internet is the perpetrator. If I was presented one point of view, I might question the official report, but if I'm told a drone, a missile, or a controlled demolition could have been responsible for 9/11, I'm more likely to believe the accepted answer.

I also believe that we really went to the moon, but NASA isn't helping that these days. I can understand not being able to make it back to there for a couple years. When it costs ten billion dollars to test the effects of zero gravity on granola, it would take a while to gather up the resources for a moon mission. I have a conflict when we send out unmanned spacecraft to study how we can land on the surface. We already landed there. We played golf and hopped around. We did it with nothing but a typewriter and duck tape. Today we have high tech microcomputers, yet we are fascinated with the prospect of finally getting to the surface. It just doesn't add up.

The space program is frustrating in general. I was hoping I could ride an elevator up to space at some point in my lifetime. With the current progress, we'll be lucky if we remember how to make rocket fuel in 30 years.

The Curse of the One Taled Man

My ultimate goal in life is to have some really interesting stories to tell when I'm in my 60's. Stories so interesting that they become the listener's best stories. "I once met this guy who took down a grizzly with a stapler."

I watched Conan O'Brien last Wednesday night, and he had a director on named Werner Herzog. Herzog told stories about diving onto cacti to entertain his cast of midgets, one of whom had been run over and caught on fire, and eating his own shoe to motivate his friend to finish a movie. They showed a clip of him being shot in LA during an interview and continuing that interview. Video

If I only have stories of vacations and weddings to tell my grandkids, I will be very disappointed. I want to get in a bar fight with a gang of Neo-Nazis. I want to end up stranded in the middle of Estonia with nothing but a fork and bag of Fritos and manage to make it back to America. I want to play the king of England in a cricket match, and then run off with his scepter before he realizes I don't even know what a wicket is used for.

We package our life into a neat little collection of stories to tell at dinner parties. You can easily forget the name of a company that you worked at for years, but you'll never forget the name of that one-eyed shaman who cast a curse on you in Barbados.

You could always lie and make up interesting stories, but people know the truth, and where's the satisfaction in that.

Out of Africa

I've been studying the different countries in Africa recently. I enjoy learning as long as it has no benefit to me. It's made me truly realize how much a few European countries have ruined the entire world.

Twentieth century foreign policy basically amounted to a manager throwing the last Wii into a holiday crowd, running the other direction, and hoping everything worked itself out. Boy, Europeans sure ruined the lives of some Africans, Arabs, and Asians. Luckily they hold no grudges.

As European countries ran away with arms flailing from their colonies, they left behind weak governments. It's no secret, what these countries needed most was decent infrastructure. Instead, they got lots of war. A good investment goes a long way. Look at how well the US fixed Europe after WWII. Nowdays they have so much wealth that they doggy paddle through wine and cheese on the way to work.

My point of all this is about America's current Middle East policy. At this point, the best option is to give Iraq and Afghanistan so many roads and hospitals that hey forget what the desert looks like. Everyone likes a day at the beach, but after a few hours, you question if the fun is worth the amount of sand in your lungs. Iran will take a look around and wonder why they are the only ones who don't have dusty underwear. The problem with this scenario is once the bombs stop, America smiles and waves goodbye. Enjoy your weak government and infinite sand.

Rockets, Deception, and Peter Pan

News blips can really get your hopes up. I saw the picture of a man with rocket wings flying over the Alps. My reaction was standard, "Hell yes! Rocket wings! How long till I can get some at Wal-Mart." It took some research to find out the man was first dropped out of a plane. Great, a hang glider with bottle rockets taped on.

I demand more media transparency. Those jerks know exactly what they're doing. It happens all the time. The headline is, "New Pill Allows Men to Fly". You read more and find out, "Qrstuvacore reduces anxiety during long airline flights". Intentional deception. Newsmen will even add a picture of Peter Pan to ensure maximum dream crushage.

We're all responsible for playing up uninteresting stories. My friends think I went to a crazy bar on Friday. I really just ate a taco salad at Chili's. Not a lie, just an eye-catching exaggeration.

Email from Obama

After the extraordinary victory on Tuesday, I decided to email Obama.

Dear Mr. Obama,
Congratulations on your win last night. It's a pleasure to have you as the democratic nominee. I wish you the best in November. Make America Proud.

From his response, I've noticed his rhetoric has changes since becoming the presumptive nominee.

Friend,
Thank you so much for your support. It is time we bring real change to Washington. McCain offers the old politics, and I promise to fight against Bush's third term.

It has been a long road, but finally the nagging is over. My opponent, Senator Clinton, ran an outstanding campaign, but in the end her emotions got the best of her.

If there's one thing I learned from my youth in an Indonesian madrassa it is that Allah is great and he will defeat your enemies. As I prepare to take on the failed policies of George W. Bush and John McCain, I hope Allah's will continues to guide my course.

I want to thank all the voters for believing in a better future for America, but particularly thanks to my brothas across the country. I'm here because of you. Whitey sent us to war. Whitey gave crack to the ghetto. Whitey created AIDS. This is our time.

Let the celebration begin,
Barack Mother F***in' Obama
The blackest presumptive nominee you've ever seen.

My condolence email to Mrs. Clinton received only the reply, "wait until the convention, whitey has a surprise coming."

The Power is Yours

During these troubling economic times, with rising energy costs, I figure it is my civic duty to give a few pointers on saving money.

Bike to Work - The good news is that climate change may be turning cold northern cities into tropical paradises, and as an added bonus, you may have hurricane force winds at your back. The bad news is people in southern states may get buried in a desert sandstorm.

Alternative Heating - Books are for old people and sociopaths. Burn them for warmth. All you need is your RSS feeds.

Cut Back on Oil Wrestling - Make it a once a month affair. Oil wrestling may be sexy, but these days it's costly and dangerous when smokers are in the room.

Befriend a Saudi Prince - You have a giant SUV, they have tons of oil. It's a friendship made in heaven.

Drill for Your Own Oil - You've seen the movie Armageddon. It's easy to do and the government may ask you to save the world someday.

Become an Active Environmentalist - Shame your friends into buying a hybrid. This will effectively drive down the demand of oil, which will in turn drive down the price. Then you can buy that Hummer you've always wanted.

These are just a few helpful pointers. Now get out there and make Captain Planet proud.

Zipitupasaurus

Our economics system makes it damn hard to be frugal.

I was grocery shopping and on my list were Ziplock bags. I find them down one of the aisle. 40 sandwich Ziplock bag. Perfect, that's what I need. I look slightly to my left and see 50 Safelock bags for 50 cents less. Normally, its not worth switching off the trusted brand for so little, but these bags were 3 times as big. Then after I place them in my cart I spot the motherload. 100 Great Value sandwich bags for 50 cents cheaper than the Safelock. I'm no economist, but that dollar/bag ratio is just ridiculous.

The only problem is that you need to triple bag every item just to make sure it won't fall out. They should just include twistie ties in anticipation of failure in trying to seal the two broken flaps of plastic.

In the end, it's worth paying the dollar more for the trusted brand. Ziplock has been developing their plastic zipper technology since the age of the dinosaurs.

When you go to the movies, you can get the regular soda, or a soda 4 times as large for 20 cents more. Who's going to pass that up. If you give them an extra dollar, the ushers will disconnect the soda machine and funnel delicious beverages directly into your mouth throughout the entire 2 hours.

It's all just a huge scam. If you can quadruple the size of the soda for 20 cents, that means your soda is really only worth 2 cents. It's just water with a little flavoring. Ziplock bags, on the other hand, are made of plastic, and plastic is made of oil, and oil is made of dinosaurs, and dinosaurs are priceless.

Ode to Hillary

I thought I would take the opportunity on the day of the final democratic primaries to point out some of Hillary Clinton's strengths and weaknesses over the past few months of this race.

Strengths:

Chameleon Abilities: Hillary is from Arkansas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, and Guam. One week she's drinking a latte in Seattle while writing her thesis. The next she's neck deep in coal and whiskey in west Virginia. You look away for a second and shes salsa dancing in Puerto Rico wearing a flowered shirt. Obama only has the "sleeves rolled up" and "sleeves rolled down" looks.

Bending Numbers: Hillary is winning the popular vote if you count Florida, Michigan, and don't count caucus states. She has won more states since February. The crucial "states that begin with 'New'" votes go to her. States that begin with directions have also gone to Clinton if you don't count "North" or "South"

Broad Appeal: Groups from the liberal working class all the way to older liberal white women love her.

Weaknesses:

Memory Loss: Clinton can't be expected to remember everything from years ago. I don't remember everything that happens on my trips. I usually assume I was under sniper fire and dare friends to prove me wrong.

Bill Clinton: Bill is still pissed from the congressional cock-block of his presidency. He came across less like a campaign asset and more like a crazy uncle.

Slips of the Tongue: Hillary has to speak nonstop for months. She will make mistakes from time to time. The media misinterprets RFK and "anything can happen in the primaries". That could mean anything. I feel just like Clinton when my "Dallas Motorcade" jokes are taken all wrong.

The Seven Essential Sins

The seven deadly sins accurately describe our current society. I'm not saying the founders of the United States used the sins verbatim, but possibly as a reference. Here are some examples:

Greed: The fuel of our capitalist society. Buying bread and clothes is what pushes it forward. Buying a golden sweater vest is what straps rocket skates onto it. If everyone suddenly stopped being greedy, we would realize that the only people with actual skills are in Idaho.

Envy and Pride: I want an HDTV. When I get one, I will brag to everyone about how great it is. Then everyone else will get an HDTV. Whoever is last loses and has to move to Idaho. You know the rules.

Gluttony: We only really need a loaf of bread a day to survive. We dip that bread in butter and deep fry it, with a side of ranch. Many of the biggest corporations exist simply to supply us with useless food and drinks. The rest of the corporations provide fuel to drive us to get that food. I hope no one ever tells Zimbabwe about diet pills. There are just some things about America that no one else needs to know.

Lust and Wrath: Also known as sex and violence. Also known as the entertainment industry. It's what we do in our downtime between working to become rich and eating until we are fat. Sometimes we multitask and do all those things at once.

Sloth: Humans once had to hunt their dinner, kill it, skin it, and then cook it. These days, when I have a meal that takes six minutes in the microwave it's a damn travesty. The goal of the American working man is the earliest possible retirement. I'm not sure if taking up parasailing or bingo relieves you of the title.

We greedily go to work so we can proudly own the same things as people we envy. In our free time we lay around, eat, and watch sex and violence on TV. God would flood the earth again, but then we would just be left with the yacht owners.

The D.C.

I am so thankful for the way our political system is run.

If I lived in another country I might have to hear actual issues. Luckily I am bombarded with the more important matters such as crazy pastors, age issues, and inaccurate recollections of decades old events.

Economic plan? Immigration reform? Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to the part about what kind of soda McCain prefers. Does Hilary get her pantsuits specially tailored, or does she go to some kind of outlet store? Is Obama really black? If I were to draw him with crayons would I really choose the black, or would raw umber be a better decision? These are the issues that concern me.

Politics has become more and more like a soap opera. There are backstabbings, affairs, and fights. You never know who will be the bad guy each week. It all depends on where the storyline goes. The media already writes its own narrative, so I believe it's time to scrap the "news" format all together and just write weekly scripts. That way a video editor can go through the past few years of clips and only pull out the ones that are the most interesting.

Do I sense a compelling Obama, Clinton, McCain love triangle?