Thursday, June 12, 2008

How to Become President

1. Practice Speaking/Body Language
Say "I will make America safer" with a snarl and closed fists. Work on accentuating your puppy dog eyes while saying "the health care crisis needs to be solved". Practice transitioning between the two with relative ease. Topics can switch fast, and you may be called on to go from baby panda to rabid baboon in a split second.

2. Examine Your Past
If you are running on principals of openness, embrace your past drug use and explain how it has helped shape you into becoming more responsible and better understanding of the dangers of substance abuse. If you are running on high moral ground, lock all childhood friends in a dungeon for 2-10 years, depending on election success.

3. Predict a Future Event
It lets people see that you have good judgment. Obama is the nominee because he predicted the Iraq War was a mistake. McCain is the nominee because he thought the surge would be successful. I personally think we should cut off Japan's electricity before they develop killer robots. Check back in 30 years to see how well my campaign is going.

4. Understand the Political Climate
If people love the current president, promise them you'll get plastic surgery and buy all the same suits. If people want change, tell them you're about to knock their socks off, flip them inside out, and throw them into a futuristic washing machine. If people are afraid of zombies, promise them a chainsaw in every pot and an armored vehicle in every garage.

5. Get Money
There are a few ways to pump money into your campaign.
a) Promise a lot of regular people you will save them a little bit of money
b) Promise a few rich people you will save them a lot of money
c) Marry someone rich. For example, the heir/heiress to the Boo Berry fortune.

After that, just let the media take over and see where you end up. If you fail, you can then move on to a lucrative career showing PowerPoint presentations.

3 comments:

Jamie said...

I just followed you here from the Dilbert blog, and I think your work is hilarious. I don't know whether I agree with your viewpoints or not, but your presentation and creative approach are unparalleled in the other blogs I've visited (especially that of the self-exalted Scott Adams). Keep up the good work, and stay fresh.

Not This God said...

Thank you very much. I know I enjoy reading contrary opinions as long as they are well thought out. I'm not sure everything I write is actually what I believe (humor definitely exaggerates it to a certain degree), but I think that if I write enough my real views will come out and this blog will be a good way to sort them out.

Anonymous said...

I actually enjoy Scott's blog a great deal. I am totally addicted to it! LOL!